Gentlemen and The Higg
Rounds 5 & 6 have been less interesting than usual. This is probably because hardly anybody scored any tries. In fact the most interesting contest has been the race for last. Unfortunately Abdul Gomaa's "Titilating Titans" have crumbled at the last minute, his team leaping up 3 places to 19th. But credit is due to "Barrys Bastards" and William Gallagher's unnamed team who have really stepped up their game. The intensity has been unnerving and going into the final round just 5 points separate these two veteran fantasy leaguers who have lead a master class on how to finish last. Best of luck to them both.
Mid-table has seen The Higg struggle to break his all time high of 13th place. The Nut pressed the former Squirrel on whether he thought his team had it within them to finish in the top half, he responded by saying "Mike! I'm not having an interview till you bloody wash up!....no....SERIOUSLY MIKE....don't look at me like that, and get that microphone out my face! Ahhggr!..no...wash up now".
Cherish The Nut
Friday, 21 October 2011
Thursday, 6 October 2011
SRWCFL Round 4
Gentlemen and the Higg...who has recently been questioned by police regarding an incident with a child last weekend,
Round 4 is over, signalling the end of international rugby driven by political correctness (Seriously, there is no way Namibia and Romania should be contesting in a world cup, they've accrued -347 points difference between them), and finally unleashing four arse-spanking-ly-awesome fixtures for this weekend. The Paddies Vs The Taffys, The Queen's XV Vs The Dirty French, The Big Green Meat Eating Machine Vs The Criminal Element and finally The Blackness Vs The Argentine-Swines. I'll come back to these later.
Round 4 has seen a lot of non-movers. 9 in all. Much like Elton John's Piano stool "Snadbul's Titilating Titans" are still tightly wedged into bottom place. Barry Gravy, William Gallagher and Kyle Gallimore are also all deep into wooden spoon territory. They'll clearly be looking to win big this weekend, and by win I clearly mean lose, and when I say lose, I really mean Win Big at Losing....or whatever.
Anyway, another non-mover Ashley Jackman's "Scoregasm RFC" are, for the third week running, stuck in their preferred 14th. The Higg also remains at his team's all time high of 13th place. While having his hair cut for his next appearance on the BBCs latest reality TV series, "strictly come flapping", The Nut bagged an interview with the former-Squirrel and questioned the recent allegations made against him. The Higg responded with the following; "look that kid was throwing bread at me all day ok! You try standing there and putting up with that $*£@! I swear just went to go peck him on the nose and I accidentally grabbed his whole face. It was an accident, a terrible terrible accident". The Higg continued to sob awkwardly for several minutes before exclaiming "BLOODY CU@T SHOULDN'T HAVE THROWN BREAD AT ME!" These allegations form part of a series of 'out of character' behaviours recently displayed by the once loved squirrel. Public opinion towards The Higg have been dwindling ever since his infamous 'Month of Madness' last winter, where several 'incidents' such as his "conviction for petty theft" and the "drunken McDonalds Binge" were widely reported in the press. When pressed by The Nut on what motivated his lust for petty crime, The Higg proceeded to snatch a tube of Pringles from the studio coffee table before rashly stumbling across the floor, opening the third storey window, flipping the bird at The Nut staff before soaring off into the afternoon sky. The Higg has been unavailable for comment since.
Finally, this weeks "Managers Moment", a recent and no doubt one week feature from The Nut, focuses on "Penguin RFC" manager and generally contact-shy Squirrel nine, Morgan O'Flaherty. The 0ft 9inch player is the spokesman for a disabled penguins charity "Pu-pu-pu-pu-pick-up-a-Penguin.......for Charity" which focuses on helping young disabled penguins fly by strapping two miniature grade three rocket boosters to their backs. O'Flaherty commented "yeah it's a really important charity that I deeply believe in. Helping these penguins is extremely important to me, because of my heritage obviously". Whilst on SKY news later that day, the squirrel nine was confronted by a top Veterinarian who informed the charity spokesman that Penguins as a species were unable to fly unaided. Mr O'Flaherty remained silent for the rest of the interview. 23minutes in total. His new range of penguin attire has struggled to sell since.
The Nut will return after round 5 with more SRWCFL movements and the weeks top stories.
Round 4 is over, signalling the end of international rugby driven by political correctness (Seriously, there is no way Namibia and Romania should be contesting in a world cup, they've accrued -347 points difference between them), and finally unleashing four arse-spanking-ly-awesome fixtures for this weekend. The Paddies Vs The Taffys, The Queen's XV Vs The Dirty French, The Big Green Meat Eating Machine Vs The Criminal Element and finally The Blackness Vs The Argentine-Swines. I'll come back to these later.
Round 4 has seen a lot of non-movers. 9 in all. Much like Elton John's Piano stool "Snadbul's Titilating Titans" are still tightly wedged into bottom place. Barry Gravy, William Gallagher and Kyle Gallimore are also all deep into wooden spoon territory. They'll clearly be looking to win big this weekend, and by win I clearly mean lose, and when I say lose, I really mean Win Big at Losing....or whatever.
Anyway, another non-mover Ashley Jackman's "Scoregasm RFC" are, for the third week running, stuck in their preferred 14th. The Higg also remains at his team's all time high of 13th place. While having his hair cut for his next appearance on the BBCs latest reality TV series, "strictly come flapping", The Nut bagged an interview with the former-Squirrel and questioned the recent allegations made against him. The Higg responded with the following; "look that kid was throwing bread at me all day ok! You try standing there and putting up with that $*£@! I swear just went to go peck him on the nose and I accidentally grabbed his whole face. It was an accident, a terrible terrible accident". The Higg continued to sob awkwardly for several minutes before exclaiming "BLOODY CU@T SHOULDN'T HAVE THROWN BREAD AT ME!" These allegations form part of a series of 'out of character' behaviours recently displayed by the once loved squirrel. Public opinion towards The Higg have been dwindling ever since his infamous 'Month of Madness' last winter, where several 'incidents' such as his "conviction for petty theft" and the "drunken McDonalds Binge" were widely reported in the press. When pressed by The Nut on what motivated his lust for petty crime, The Higg proceeded to snatch a tube of Pringles from the studio coffee table before rashly stumbling across the floor, opening the third storey window, flipping the bird at The Nut staff before soaring off into the afternoon sky. The Higg has been unavailable for comment since.
Finally, this weeks "Managers Moment", a recent and no doubt one week feature from The Nut, focuses on "Penguin RFC" manager and generally contact-shy Squirrel nine, Morgan O'Flaherty. The 0ft 9inch player is the spokesman for a disabled penguins charity "Pu-pu-pu-pu-pick-up-a-Penguin.......for Charity" which focuses on helping young disabled penguins fly by strapping two miniature grade three rocket boosters to their backs. O'Flaherty commented "yeah it's a really important charity that I deeply believe in. Helping these penguins is extremely important to me, because of my heritage obviously". Whilst on SKY news later that day, the squirrel nine was confronted by a top Veterinarian who informed the charity spokesman that Penguins as a species were unable to fly unaided. Mr O'Flaherty remained silent for the rest of the interview. 23minutes in total. His new range of penguin attire has struggled to sell since.
The Nut will return after round 5 with more SRWCFL movements and the weeks top stories.
Tuesday, 27 September 2011
SRWCFL Round 3
Gentlemen...and The Higg, who is currently undercover at the rugby. Round 3 is up and there have been some movers, shakers and down-right-failures.
After promising his fans the wooden spoon last week, many didn't think his squad had it in them, but William Gallagher's unnamed team have managed to fall two spots to 2nd last. What determination. However, never to be outdone, Ex-Squirrel President, Etheth-theth-theth-etheth-theth, pushed his side to breaking point, dropping a massive 10 places in a single round, 9th to 19th. True commitment from the ex-squirrel pro.
Ex-Squirrel forward and part-time block, Joshua Nowak and his team "The Inbetweeners", make an incredible break for the top this week. Many of rugby's top commentators have likened Nowak's recent break to some of his classic runs on the pitch. Lawrence Dallaglio commented on ITV's Rugby World Cup show earlier this morning, saying "it's uncanny, the call used to be called 'hey you guys'; he'd pick the ball at the back of the scrum, and slowly but surely march forward taking everyone with him in his wake. Like all of his runs, this one is slow, unstoppable, but ultimately Conor Murphy finishes just ahead of him".
Star of the Colgate TV adverts, Charlie Greet made the fatal mistake of including a single welsh player in his squad this week. Unfortunately the move cost him 6 places, and the new look "One Welsh Player Here" now sit in 12th. The Nut interviewed Mr Greet who stated "I made a mistake, I guess I'll have to live with the consequences, the welsh should never be trusted. They're bloody allergic to winning!"
"McGrath Magic" moved up to 2nd this round. However, an investigation is pending due to the apparent side-effects of some of the 'magic' McGrath actually gave his players throughout the tournament so far.
We end this round's post not by talking about the admittedly impressive run from 10th to near top (not quite sure exactly how near the top), of "Binnie's Broncos", who more than doubled their score in a single round. Instead, The Nut looks at the demise of the ironically named "Sherbie's Superstars". Many commentators have criticised the former Squirrel for making obvious picks, being boring, parking in the Glenbourne Psych Unit to save £1.20 and being part of a facist regime that slaughtered 6.5 million Jews. But in an exclusive interview with The Nut at Derriford doctors mess, he had the opportunity to set the record straight, stating "look Himmler organised it all ok! I was nothing to do with it. I was on holiday...err...in Spain, picking berries....err...are you gonna drink that coffee?" After drinking The Nut reporter's coffee Dr Herbert then proceeded to lift out cushions from the sofa's, feeling for loose change, before taking two loaves of bread from the kitchen. Reports have emerged that the Herbert's had toast for dinner that evening.
The Nut returns on Sunday night to wrap up RWCFL Round 4.
Don't forget training tomorrow at 15:00-17:00 up on central park. We've got a game next week and we need a little contact practice so bring you're gum shields.
After promising his fans the wooden spoon last week, many didn't think his squad had it in them, but William Gallagher's unnamed team have managed to fall two spots to 2nd last. What determination. However, never to be outdone, Ex-Squirrel President, Etheth-theth-theth-etheth-theth, pushed his side to breaking point, dropping a massive 10 places in a single round, 9th to 19th. True commitment from the ex-squirrel pro.
Ex-Squirrel forward and part-time block, Joshua Nowak and his team "The Inbetweeners", make an incredible break for the top this week. Many of rugby's top commentators have likened Nowak's recent break to some of his classic runs on the pitch. Lawrence Dallaglio commented on ITV's Rugby World Cup show earlier this morning, saying "it's uncanny, the call used to be called 'hey you guys'; he'd pick the ball at the back of the scrum, and slowly but surely march forward taking everyone with him in his wake. Like all of his runs, this one is slow, unstoppable, but ultimately Conor Murphy finishes just ahead of him".
Star of the Colgate TV adverts, Charlie Greet made the fatal mistake of including a single welsh player in his squad this week. Unfortunately the move cost him 6 places, and the new look "One Welsh Player Here" now sit in 12th. The Nut interviewed Mr Greet who stated "I made a mistake, I guess I'll have to live with the consequences, the welsh should never be trusted. They're bloody allergic to winning!"
"McGrath Magic" moved up to 2nd this round. However, an investigation is pending due to the apparent side-effects of some of the 'magic' McGrath actually gave his players throughout the tournament so far.
We end this round's post not by talking about the admittedly impressive run from 10th to near top (not quite sure exactly how near the top), of "Binnie's Broncos", who more than doubled their score in a single round. Instead, The Nut looks at the demise of the ironically named "Sherbie's Superstars". Many commentators have criticised the former Squirrel for making obvious picks, being boring, parking in the Glenbourne Psych Unit to save £1.20 and being part of a facist regime that slaughtered 6.5 million Jews. But in an exclusive interview with The Nut at Derriford doctors mess, he had the opportunity to set the record straight, stating "look Himmler organised it all ok! I was nothing to do with it. I was on holiday...err...in Spain, picking berries....err...are you gonna drink that coffee?" After drinking The Nut reporter's coffee Dr Herbert then proceeded to lift out cushions from the sofa's, feeling for loose change, before taking two loaves of bread from the kitchen. Reports have emerged that the Herbert's had toast for dinner that evening.
The Nut returns on Sunday night to wrap up RWCFL Round 4.
Don't forget training tomorrow at 15:00-17:00 up on central park. We've got a game next week and we need a little contact practice so bring you're gum shields.
Tuesday, 20 September 2011
SRWCFL Round 2
Round 2 has been and gone, setting the Squirrel Rugby World Cup Fantasy League up for two races. One for the top, the other for the bottom, and let me tell you there's some stiff competition. "Snadbul's Titillating Titans" are yet again the foundation of the now towering Squirrel League. Having already transferred out 15 players who contributed the titanic sum of 21 points, Abdul Gomaa, when pressed on the performance of his somewhat bench-heavy squad, stated "ahhh-what? 70 points? WTF! But I couldn't change my kicker! Ah-f*$k-it! Guess I'll just look at who mikey's got". Gomaa, then proceeded to cut the the press conference off early. Walking away, cameras caught the infamously unorthodox coach flipping the bird at reporters. Unconfirmed reports suggested the coach cried later that evening.
Other notable players in the race for last place, include "Barry's Bastards". The premiss being that rugby players who are born out of wedlock, perform significantly worse under pressure than their happily-parented counterparts is obviously a sound one as the Bastards are right up the Titan's metaphorical arse in 2nd last. William Gallagher's unnamed team continue to plummet straight towards the coveted last spot along with the "Sam's Pine Riders" and the "Goose's Golden Eggs".
Other notable players in the race for last place, include "Barry's Bastards". The premiss being that rugby players who are born out of wedlock, perform significantly worse under pressure than their happily-parented counterparts is obviously a sound one as the Bastards are right up the Titan's metaphorical arse in 2nd last. William Gallagher's unnamed team continue to plummet straight towards the coveted last spot along with the "Sam's Pine Riders" and the "Goose's Golden Eggs".
"Dans Dragons" are showing promise, currently in 4th. The former Squirrel centre released his Autobiography two weeks ago and in an exclusive interview with The Nut, revealed his childhood dream of becoming a wedding singer. Whilst in the chair Evans stated, "Yeah I love signing, I sing all the greats! I sing'em all! I even sing to the team in the warm-up; The Power of Love, How Deep Is Your Love, Love Me Tender, you name it, I sing it! Shall I sing one for you now? I'm good honest, listen...Love me tender, love me sweet...". After serenading the studio with hits from Sinead O'Connor, The Bee Gees and Shania Twain, Evan's agent suddenly pulled the Dragons' coach aside for a private chat. The short discussion ended with Evans' clasping his face, and muttering "Bloody hell. Not again!" He then swiftly left the studio, oddly, hugging the walls as he left. His agent later released a statement indicating that Mr Evans did not piss his pants.
Finally, seeing as nothing of any interest occurred at the top of the league standings, nothing at all...SERIOUSLY, NOTHING AT ALL OK! Squirrel RWCFL presents it's feature segment. Undercover Nut. Our resident flapping investigative journalist, The Higg, has been hard at work. Whilst flapping out of Plymouth, The Higg managed to swoop in and snap pictures of a former Squirrel pretty boy with their new partner! Awww. Very sweet. Best wishes to the happy couple and thanks to the Higg for his sterling investigative work.
On a side note, don't forget training tomorrow 15:00-17:00. Last week was good session, make sure you bring down some more new faces! Squirrel RWCFL will return next week for a summation of Round 3.
Wednesday, 14 September 2011
Charlie 'Greets' A&E
The hardcore squirrels who attended today's elite training session atop of Mount Central Park, will have witnessed the horrific mutilation of squirrel funny man and star of the much loved Colgate adverts.
Charlie Greet was bludgeoned by the weighty boot of Michael Turner, five-time winner of Plymouth's Rear Of The Year. When pressed on the issue by the international press Turner was apologetic, stating "yeah, i feel really bad for the guy, he was due to take part in the world incisor championships on Saturday. Stanbridge just grabbed my leg and threw me like a javelin right into greet, boot first!"
Oliver Stanbridge, winner of PRFC's Show Pony award 2010/11, is reported to have spent the entire offseason living at the UoP gym, on a strict diet of raw eggs and steroids. He declined an interview with The Nut.
The Police released the following statement, "Can you please leave the premises, stop wasting police time!"
Don't forget Saturday 09:30 at Portland Square C1, The Criminal Element Vs The Paddies. Then a team jog up to central park for training.
Charlie Greet was bludgeoned by the weighty boot of Michael Turner, five-time winner of Plymouth's Rear Of The Year. When pressed on the issue by the international press Turner was apologetic, stating "yeah, i feel really bad for the guy, he was due to take part in the world incisor championships on Saturday. Stanbridge just grabbed my leg and threw me like a javelin right into greet, boot first!"
Oliver Stanbridge, winner of PRFC's Show Pony award 2010/11, is reported to have spent the entire offseason living at the UoP gym, on a strict diet of raw eggs and steroids. He declined an interview with The Nut.
The Police released the following statement, "Can you please leave the premises, stop wasting police time!"
Don't forget Saturday 09:30 at Portland Square C1, The Criminal Element Vs The Paddies. Then a team jog up to central park for training.
Tuesday, 13 September 2011
Training Sessions & RWC
for those of you who are back, welcome home! Our first training session starts tomorrow afternoon up in Central Park 15:00-17:00. Please grab anyone you can find and bring them there. Whether they've played rugby last season or not, or maybe they never have, doesn't matter, just get them down, guys of all ability are welcome (seriously...lets make sure you grab a few new people on your way). Expect lots of touch rugby, a good blow out will sort you right out. If you haven't filled in your membership form and paid already, can you do that tonight or bring it with you tomorrow. Will be good to see you all, should be a good laugh.
Also, this Saturday at 09:30 it's The Criminal Element Vs The Paddies. So I've booked PSQ C1 for us all to watch it together before we all jog up to training at Central Park at 12:00-14:00. If you're up in Exeter or Truro, you're more than welcome to crash at mine on Friday, or I'm sure there will be other floors in Plymouth. Bring your brecky with you if you like.
See you all at the top of Central Park tomorrow.
M
Monday, 12 September 2011
SRWCFL Round 1
Round 1 is down and it has been an uninteresting round with some pretty interesting league results. Unfortunately for the "Snabdul's Titilating Titans", they are left propping up the bottom of the table, with an interesting selection of players. The rather controvertial tactic of picking players that didn't even start seemed to have backfired in this case. However, ex-Squirrel dynamo and the personal confidant of Welsh superstar Gav "The Lad" Henson has recently reported to The Nut that he also opted for this strategy. He is now in a strong position to chase, like all Squirrels, the coveted 2nd place position. "Dans Dragons" feature a heathly number of players from The Blackness and The Criminal Element, something the ironically named 'Sherbie's Superstars' have clearly taken to heart. 9 to 15 of the 'Superstars' are constructed purely of black and gold and this seems to have paid off. The man once described as Adolf Hitler's closest associates and most devout follower leads the charge for 2nd place on 87pts.
Local celebrity and star of the popular Colgate TV adverts Charlie Greet has constructed a fine team of players with the well-grounded premis that the welsh are poorly suited to success in rugby competitions. "no welsh players here" have shot straight to fourth place, just sneeking past three-legged Daniel Urizza Etheth-theth-theth-ethe-theth, which will surely keep Greet smiling.
Part of the legendary stand-off-centre partnership with one Daniel Evans, Etheth-theth-theth-ethe-theth, ex-Squirrels President, has recently gone on record about the controversial days of the late 00's. When pressed on what he thought was the key to the success of the Squirrels duo during this time, he is reported to have said that:
"we just had a one of those unique bonds, we'd share everything, we'd look at moves together, share ideas, share food, showers, beds, urine, women, more urine......yeah, we'd pissed on each other a lot in those days"
It is widely speculated that Rory McCabe's RWC squad, "Urine Trouble" was named as a tribute to Evan's recent Autobiography "Sex, Incontinence & Sausage Rolls".
Finally, many are not supprised to hear that the Special One and our Almighty Ruler, Mikey Turner, as expected leads the Squirrel RWC Fantasy League on a handsome 95pts. The Special One was not available for comment but ex-subordinate housemate William "I know it's touch, it's just that shoulder touched him...hard...in the face" Gallagher reported to The Nut that our Almighty Ruler "has an uncanny knack off winning these things, hence, I feel my team's name neatly sums up my feelings on this matter".
Round 2's matches begin on Wednesday morning at 03:30(BST), final standings of the round go up on Sunday night. Squirrel RWCFL will be back then
Friday, 9 September 2011
Rugby World Cup Matches
As I watch poor old Tonga get smashed by the Blackness, I think it's best I introduce the new PRFC blog and give you a few key dates.
During September and October the Squirrels will be watching RWC matches as a team. We're going to use a few RWC matches as warm up breakfasts for training and games. These matches will likely be:
Sat 17th Sep 09:30 - The Criminal Element Vs The Paddies
Sat 24th Sep 09:30 - The Blackness Vs The Dirty French
Sat 1st Oct 08:30 - The Queen's XV Vs The Tartan Proles
Sat 8th Oct 08:30 - QF (Potentially The Queen's XV Vs The Dirty French)
The format for these is likely to be, turn up bright and early to a lecture hall in Portland Square on Plymouth Campus. We'll show the game while having breakfast. When the game's up, either jog to Central Park for training or all cram into the minibus and head to the game....ah Tonga have finally scored, well done, 34-10 so far then!...anyway, for those of you in Truro or Exeter this year, no sweat, just crash at mine or someone else in Plymouth the night before.
Anyway, expect lots more of these posts. See you all in a week or so.
Mikey
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